About A Past Life
Gentlemen. A Short Look To The Past...
As I begin to close the chapter on my 20’s, what seemed like a simple act of reflection turned into a major existential crisis.
Currently, I’m on the northernmost sleeper train in North America. I’m returning to Winnipeg from nearly two weeks of non-stop polar bear viewing with my friends over at Discover Churchill. It’s my last trip of the year, with the itinerary so far having been: Norway, Antarctica, Argentina, Namibia, Colorado, Utah, Arizona, Nevada, Singapore, Canada.
Reading back that last paragraph, I’m wondering “What’s going on, how the hell did that happen?”
It wasn’t too long ago that I was thinking that I wouldn’t even make it past 25; that some major misfortune would befallen me, or that I’d have taken the express route to the finish line by then.
Just about everything that could have happened, happened, most of which before I even turned 20. Depressing childhood, terrible family relations, many friends mourned, toxic breakups, trapped in the army, all the vices, you name the lot - it all happened.
I was always told what not to do, which just so happened to basically be everything but a doctor, engineer, or businessman. (Many Asians will be familiar with this sentiment). Because of that, I had a habit of just coasting, halfheartedly floundering my way through life to appease people and ideals that didn’t matter to me.
So, maybe, they’ve got a point.
Over a decade into my career as an outdoor photographer, and yeah.
I make hardly any money, barely enough to feed myself
I never get to sleep or take breaks; I’m always traveling, editing images, writing this newsletter, scouting for locations, photographing those locations, camping, hiking, tracking animals, emailing clients, editing videos, studying wildlife behavior, printing images, delivering prints, maintaining camera equipment, or doing my taxes
I’m always so tired I never know what day, month, or year it is
My body is constantly sore, everything aching from all the physical activity
I’m in a different bed, drifting off to sleep to unfamiliar ceilings every other night
I often don’t get a bed at all, having to settle for a sleeping bag or simply, the ground
Thankfully, my stubbornness and my refusal to listen won in the end. Because I did it all anyways, and I couldn’t be happier.
Here’s why:
I’ve watched polar bear cubs nurse from their moms, seen Andromeda rise in the sky. I’ve been honked at by penguins, chased by seals, and scuba dived with sharks. I’ve kayaked next to icebergs, swam with alligators, backpacked across continents, walked with rhinos, and watched the Milky Way set in the darkest skies in the world. I’ve seen the views from mountain peaks, atop dunes, between valleys, beneath caves, and under glaciers.
In my darkest hours, it was never friends or family that saved me. It was always my connection with this planet that inspired me, gave me hope, and kept me going. It was never how much money I made, how big a sale I achieved, how well I performed on an assignment, because I’d found what truly matters - Earth.
No matter what I have to put up with, there simply isn’t a single thing in this world that I’d trade for these experiences.
Because to me, I simply can’t understand what could be more important than the planet that gives us, and all the other creatures on it, life. This is the only known planet in the entire observable universe, across billions of lightyears, that is known to house organic life. We’re a water-based planet, held together by a spinning ball of lava, capable of supporting millions of different species of animals and plants, spinning around one of trillions of suns across billions of galaxies.
What could possibly be more special than being able to bear witness to that?
Well, as far as I’m concerned:
Nothing.
On top of the awe and gratitude I have for this planet, I’m doing this for my friends. Specifically, the ones I’ve lost. What I lacked in blood, I found in friendship. But as life would have it, many of those friends have been lost to time.
As a result, I go on road trips for my friend B, go ice climbing for my friend C, attend concerts for my friend J, go paddling for my friend R. Maybe it’s silly, but I feel a slight obligation to see the world, on their behalf. It’s how I preserve their memory, and commemorate my time with them.
To the me of the past, I have this to say: I’m sorry it took so long to listen to myself and send it. To the me, now - you’re doing alright, I guess. To the future me; keep at it, champ.
To anyone reading - if you’re thinking about quitting your job to go live in a van, about moving to another country, of going on that hike, about buying that camera, of learning how to sew, going back to school, backpacking across Asia, or taking improv classes - just do it.
There’s no need to rush; things all happen in time. But on the other hand, life doesn’t wait for anyone, so go do that thing before you grow to regret it. It’ll figure itself out, and if not, that’s all part of the game; try again another time.
Within reason, of course. Don’t be a menace to society, and don’t do something irresponsible.
Thank you all for reading, as always!
I always love reading your newsletter so much because I can just feel the vibrancy of life jumping out between your sentences and photographs. I know it’s not always sunshine and rainbows but dude, you’re LIVING living and I admire that so much. What a refreshing change of pace from a lot of what takes up the internet. Stay safe out there!